by admin on September 7, 2010
The day after Labor Day is a good time to reflect on your labors of love.
You work hard to take care of your family:
- You labor to take care of their financial needs.
- You juggle to make time for the things that matter to them.
- You strive to keep them safe.
You know that you should also talk with them about hard questions:
- How will our family successfully manage the aging of loved ones?
- What are our family’s estate planning priorities?
- How can both family and business thrive within our family business?
If you struggle with these important conversations – or never quite get to them – ask me how I can help.
Always a confidential, complimentary initial consultation.
by admin on July 10, 2010
It seems a natural instinct for some (most?) people to try to avoid conflict. They will excuse bad behavior, wait for things to get better on their own (with no real reason for a bad situation to improve), engage in denial, learn to live with it,make unreasonable compromises, etc., etc.
Rarely does conflict avoidance lead to conflict prevention, conflict reduction, or conflict resolution. Instead, it can lead to conflict escalation. If you have tried conflict avoidance, and find yourself in a worsening situation, it might be time for mediation.
by admin on June 30, 2010
As I wrote about last time, last week I had the pleasure of participating in a daylong Summer Institute program presented by the New England Chapter of the Association for Conflict Resolution (NE-ACR). We were treated to a rich day of skills building from StageCoach improv. Specifically, we were part of their Conflict Resolution Interactive Skills Program (CRISP), a customized “set of exercises and techniques employed by professional improvisational actors designed to enable professional mediators to optimally perform in the moment.”
The idea that much of our communication is done through tone of voice and body language, as opposed to mere words, is not new. Nor is the idea that miscommunication is a prime source of conflict. Professionals in conflict management (whether working early on, before the dispute has escalated, or late in the conflict when mediation is employed) frequently caution parties about the dangers of email, texts, and other written communications that don’t provide tone and body language.
The instructors from StageCoach improv cited a UCLA study by Psychology Professor Albert Mehrabian that drove this point home. Professor Mehrabian found that a paltry 7% of communication was conveyed by the words used themselves. Fully 38% of communication was contained in tone of voice and 55% in body language. As dispute resolution professionals, we were reminded that our own communication and the communication between the parties in a mediation are no different and that we ignore these facts at our peril!
by admin on June 29, 2010
Last week, I had the pleasure of participating in a daylong Summer Institute program presented by the New England Chapter of the Association for Conflict Resolution (NE-ACR). We were treated to a rich day of skills building from StageCoach improv. Specifically, we were part of their Conflict Resolution Interactive Skills Program (CRISP), a customized “set of exercises and techniques employed by professional improvisational actors designed to enable professional mediators to optimally perform in the moment.”
One exercise stood out as both funny and deeply insightful. As mediators, we are conscious of “the inner voice” that thinks what isn’t said. Often that voice is our own as mediators, as we are strategizing over how to help the parties in a mediation to move toward resolution. In this exercise, professional actors played the inner voices of two parties involved in conflict. As they discussed their dispute, but made little progress towards actual dispute resolution, we saw a realistic portrayal of what might be going through the parties’ minds. Afterward, we discussed how their thoughts were reflected (or even deflected) by their spoken words — and how to use this analysis in a mediation, as we helped parties move toward conflict resolution.
by admin on March 30, 2010
Earlier this month, the Connecticut Bar Association’s Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) Section enjoyed a presentation by Charlie Pillsbury and Brenda Cavanaugh about their role in the mediation of a dispute over Tweed New Haven Regional Airport. Brenda remains Associate Director at Community Mediation, Inc., of New Haven, CT. Charlie was Executive Director of Community Mediation, Inc. at the time of the mediation and is now Executive Director of Mediators Beyond Borders.
In their mediation, they worked with the mayors of New Haven and East Haven, John DeStefano, Jr., and April Capone Almon, respectively. As a public policy dispute, the contours of the mediation process were different from those more commonly seen in a strictly private dispute.
But one observation made by Brenda and Charlie touched on a common theme: the “aha” moments of mediation. Frequently, the participants in a mediation, who have until now been parties to a dispute and little more than that, will start to see things from a new perspective. When they start to look at the situation from another point of view — sometimes the one completely contrary to their own — they start to understand how the other party is thinking. Not necessarily agreeing — but at least starting to understand. And that can be an “aha” moment.
by admin on March 13, 2010
We’ve all heard about March coming in like a lion and going out like a lamb.
Some think — mistakenly — that mediation is the same. They avoid mediation because they fear they are expected to come into it like a lion, in strength, and finish the process like a lamb, in weakness.
In fact, the goal of mediation is to create a resolution to conflict that allows all involved to act in their own best interests. And that can mean everyone emerges feeling like a lion.
by admin on March 8, 2010
Last week, I had the pleasure of speaking to the Woodbridge, Connecticut Rotary Club about mediation and conflict management. We discussed tips for preventing conflict, reducing conflict, and resolving conflict.
One particular point stood out. I often talk about the great dangers that accompany the great benefits of email. We’ve all heard about the huge percentage of communication that is not contained in the words we use, but that is conveyed by our tone of voice, the pacing of our speech, facial expression, body language, and more. All of these factors, of course, are different in our email communications. Different because we get none of these in the message that is sent to us electronically. In the best of circumstances, we may be puzzled. In the worst of circumstances, when conflict has already started to do damage, we might assume the worst and assign very negative — and possibly inaccurate — meanings where they don’t belong.
So, remember to be careful in your writing and your reading of email messages.
by admin on February 23, 2010
Tiger Woods’ recent mea culpa led to a number of comments and critiques. One of the most interesting analyses came in a New York Times article on Sunday, “I Apologize. No, Really, I’m Serious, I…” by Paul Vitello. In it, he notes the work of Dr. Aaron Lazare, the author of “On Apology”, which focuses on personal, not public apologies, but has some real wisdom to share for both types of apologies.
Mr. Vitello quotes Dr. Lazare on four basic points. The second, according to Dr. Lazare, is that you must say what you did. What might that mean in the context of the Connecticut mediation and consulting work that Dovetail Resolutions does?
In business mediation, it might mean, “I’m sorry that I didn’t live up to my responsibilities as a partner, because I was too distracted by other business opportunities and missed appointments.” In mediation of a family wealth conflict, it might mean, “I’m sorry that I didn’t pay my share of the expenses for the vacation house by the time I agreed to do it.” In elder mediation, it might mean, “I’m sorry that I backed out of taking Mom to the dentist at the last minute, leaving you to do it (again.)”
by admin on February 23, 2010
Tiger Woods’ recent mea culpa led to a number of comments and critiques. One of the most interesting analyses came in a New York Times article on Sunday, “I Apologize. No, Really, I’m Serious, I…” by Paul Vitello. In it, he notes the work of Dr. Aaron Lazare, the author of “On Apology”, which focuses on personal, not public apologies, but has some real wisdom to share for both types of apologies.
Mr. Vitello quotes Dr. Lazare on four basic points. The third, according to Dr. Lazare, is that you must ask the offended person for forgiveness. Dr. Lazare stresses that this request is necessary — but not sufficient (more on that next time.) What might that mean in the context of the Connecticut mediation and consulting work that Dovetail Resolutions does?
In business mediation, it might mean, will give me another chance to do things the right way? In mediation of a family wealth conflict, it might mean, will you let me make things square and heal the family rift? In elder mediation, it might mean, will you forgive me for taking for granted all that you do for our family and Mom?
by admin on February 23, 2010
Tiger Woods’ recent mea culpa led to a number of comments and critiques. One of the most interesting analyses came in a New York Times article on Sunday, “I Apologize. No, Really, I’m Serious, I…” by Paul Vitello. In it, he notes the work of Dr. Aaron Lazare, the author of “On Apology”, which focuses on personal, not public apologies, but has some real wisdom to share for both types of apologies.
Mr. Vitello quotes Dr. Lazare on four basic points. The fourth, according to Dr. Lazare, is that you must ask the offended person what you need to do to make things right. What might that mean in the context of the Connecticut mediation and consulting work that Dovetail Resolutions does?
Most important, in all of the mediation work Dovetail Resolutions does, it means what it says: asking. Not telling. The person you offended needs to make the suggestion of how you can make things right, not you. In business mediation, it might mean, what can I do to fix this situation? In mediation of a family wealth conflict, it might mean, what can I do to regain your trust? In elder mediation, it might mean, how can I show you that I mean to do better?