by admin on August 31, 2010
Last week, the New York Times published an article by Jane E. Brody titled “Frank Talk About Care at Life’s End.” The article covered some of the thorny issues surrounding “the medical, humanitarian and economic value of helping terminally ill patients and and their families navigate treatment options as they approach the end of life.” Leaving aside the politics (politicians) and the political (New York State’s medical society), this topic raises fundamental questions from the perspective of elder mediation.
In any conflict, complete and accurate information is essential for good decision-making. If one or more parties is using inaccurate information or partial information, it is difficult to reach a good resolution — even if no emotional impact is involved. Add the emotional strain of end-of-life decision-making by families and a good decision-making process is very difficult even in a conflict-free family (if such a family exists.)
From the perspective of preventing, reducing, and resolving conflicts, more and accurate information for families means better decisions.
The occasion of Mother’s Day can present a great opportunity for conflict management. How? With the gift of conversation about the things that matter most. As a mother or as an adult child, you can use the occasion of Mother’s Day to start talking about those difficult, but essential, topics related to aging.
Adult children: ask your mother to tell you what she wants — while she still can.
Mothers: tell your children what your hopes and fears are for your later years — don’t make them guess.
If you start having these conversations early enough, you may be able to prevent some conflicts altogether. Start a little later, as things are just beginning to get dicey, and you may be reducing conflict. Even if the conflict over Mom’s well-being is raging (Mom to child, child to child, or some combination) taking steps to resolve the conflict can be a gift more lasting and more meaningful than even the loveliest brunch and bouquet.
by admin on April 30, 2010
Earlier this month, I had the pleasure of meeting Anne Maxfield, the founder and chief visionary officer of It’s All About Aging, LLC. The name of the company and the company website, itsallaboutaging.com, really do say it all. There is loads of information, and more to come on all sorts of issues related to your aging and your loved ones’ aging. And Anne’s blog has some great insights on topics related to aging. Check it out!
by admin on January 26, 2010
On January 27, 2010, at 7:00 p.m., I will present a talk on Elder Mediation at Apple Rehab Guilford, 10 Boston Post Road, Guilford, CT. The program is free and open to the public and light refreshments will be served. To reserve your seat, please call Apple Rehab Guilford at (203) 453-3725.
This interactive program will provide some advice on how to talk to your siblings about your aging parents and how to talk to your adult children about your own aging. We will also talk about how to start these challenging conversations — before a crisis occurs.
by admin on December 28, 2009
Earlier this month, the Shoreline Eldercare Alliance (SEA) gave a presentation on loss and change at Peregrine’s Landing in Clinton, Connecticut. The evening featured excellent speakers and an attentive audience.
The emphasis on “change” was an especially helpful one. It is easy to think of aging as simply decline and inevitably negative. This perspective reinforces our tendency to try to try to deny aging and to fight it — in ourselves and others.
Yet to see aging as a normal change as we go through life makes it easier to discuss, to plan for, and to adapt to. Elder mediators can help with conversations about “change” and how it affects us and our loved ones.
by admin on December 28, 2009
Earlier this month, the Shoreline Eldercare Alliance (SEA) gave a presentation on loss and change at Peregrine’s Landing in Clinton, Connecticut. The evening included excellent speakers and an attentive audience.
One of the points that hit home to me as a mediator was the perspective that our society has an especially difficult time discussing death. We use euphemisms to describe it (e.g., “if something happens to me.”) We avoid discussing our own end-of-life wishes, leaving our loved ones to make educated guesses about what we would want but never expressed. We refuse to acknowledge that death is inevitable for all of us.
Elder mediation can help families have difficult — but important — conversations about death. These conversations can happen far in advance of death, when the family is gathered as death is near, or at any time in between.
by admin on November 28, 2009
In Parts I and II, I wrote about the holidays as a time when families might be together face to face for the first time in a number of months. Changes that might not have been obvious on the telephone become clear or statements from a local sibling that Mom needs more help may be hard to ignore when seeing her in person. The idea of having a conversation about an aging loved one’s needs can itself be hard to face. Yet starting to talk about current and future living arrangements, care, and safety is essential.
How and where to start? Start with immediate needs. Address what must be done right away to improve or maintain the situation. It is probably not necessary to decide everything at once. Start with a genuine conversation, not an ultimatum or an intervention. Try to find out as much as possible about what the elderly person’s preferences and dislikes are. Then you can start to identify and analyze the options.
by admin on November 27, 2009
Last time, I wrote about the changes in an aging loved one’s emotional and physical health that family members might notice at the holidays. If a face-to-face holiday visit is the first one in a number of months, a decline in health may be both obvious and startling.
The prospect of a difficult conversation can be so daunting that the conversation is postponed. It can be tempting to try to delude yourself that a decline is a temporary setback when you actually know that it isn’t or that nothing needs to be discussed right now because there is no crisis — yet.
In fact, the most valuable action is to start a conversation, which is likely to be the first of many. Sometimes the conversation is not as bad as the dread of it and it is a relief to the older person to start to address his or her changing needs. Often the conversation that is started earlier rather than later will allow for a deeper exploration of preferences and a wider review of options.
by admin on November 26, 2009
Today is Thanksgiving and some families are gathering together, face to face, for the first time in many months. The general press talks about how large a role family dynamics — or dysfunction — can play in these get-togethers. The holidays are also a time to witness change in an aging loved one. A physical or mental decline that was not so clear in photographs or telephone calls can be seen firsthand. An adult child who has lived near an aging parent may have faithfully described the change to a distant sibling who now sees and understands it for the first time. Or a fresh eye can see the cumulative change of many months that has escaped someone who has lived with it day to day. For some family members, the change and all that it suggests for the future can be difficult to bear. Some will react with denial, some with fear or sadness.
Most helpful, but sometimes most difficult, is to candidly and carefully consider what these changes mean for that loved one’s emotional and physical well-being and what they will mean for the family as a whole. Those conversations can be challenging, but essential.
by admin on October 27, 2009
I was scheduled to speak at Fowler Nursing Center, Guilford, CT on Thursday, October 29, 2009 at 7:00. That talk has been postponed as a precaution against H1N1. As Connecticut shoreline residents know, Guilford has been hard hit by H1N1. So many students have been struck by it, that school administrators decided to close Guilford High School for two days.
I look forward to speaking at Fowler’s soon, when administrators there conclude that it is appropriate to resume public activities. The talk will cover the concept of elder mediation and how to create customized resolutions to conflict.